What Not to Say in Child Custody Mediation

What Not to Say in Child Custody Mediation

It can be incredibly easy to react strongly when participating in child custody mediation, but having a plan and knowing what not to say during it is vital. When a couple with children is splitting up, figuring out a child custody agreement that works for both parents and the children can be difficult. Add in the often strong emotional stakes and the financial implications of child support, and finding common ground and resolving a child custody case is difficult work. Because this time is trying for both the parents and the children, many couples will consider options to make the process less fraught, one of which is child custody mediation.

However, many parents enter a mediation session without understanding how to behave to be awarded more time with their children. This article will discuss the mediation process and why it can be beneficial while highlighting what not to say in child custody mediation so that either parent does not ruin their chances of reaching an agreement.

How Mediation Can Address a Child Custody Dispute

The mediation process is an option for parties involved in resolving child custody disputes and creating a custody arrangement that prioritizes the child’s welfare. The process involves a neutral third party called a mediator who helps guide the parties through negotiation and toward a resolution. The mediator’s role is not to offer opinions or judgment but to assist the parties in finding solutions and resolving the dispute.

In many states, you may be required to participate in mediation sessions as part of a divorce case before the court proceedings can continue, but the court cannot force you to accept an agreement in mediation if you choose not to.

The Benefits of Child Custody Mediation

Before diving into how to conduct yourself during mediation sessions, it can be helpful to have a baseline understanding of why child custody mediation can benefit a case and your child’s life. This helps you understand why you used the process when the other parent uses personal attacks or asks for unreasonable demands. By reminding yourself of your child’s future and best interests, you can approach the mediation with an open mind and calm spirit.

Focus on the Children’s Interests

The most important reason to consider working with a trained mediator to resolve a custody dispute is to put the child’s best interests at the center of the discussion. When parents go to court, they may focus more on winning the case and ignoring their child’s well-being. When parents work in a cooperative environment, they are more likely to acknowledge the other parent’s role in their child’s life and ensure that the child’s best interests are at the center.

Control over the Situation

When you do not use mediation, child custody disputes will be heard before a judge, who will have the final say in child custody issues. They will issue court orders that require significant reasons for change. If you and the other parent want to control how your children’s time is split, visitation rights, and other issues, mediation is often the way to go because you can craft the agreement to your liking.

Potential for Better Relationships

While your relationship with your partner may have broken down, it is still important for the two of you to be able to work together to raise your children. Children do not thrive in a hostile environment. By working together to create a parenting plan, you may be able to preserve the relationship and create effective co-parenting skills, ensuring your children are cared for together.

Financial Benefits

Mediation will often be the parents’ more financially responsible option. While you may still need to hire a family law attorney to protect your parental rights, you will likely spend less preparing for and participating in mediation than in court. This is often because the process will resolve the issue much quicker than a full court hearing.

Emotional Protection

Child custody mediation is popular also because it protects your and your children’s emotional well-being. A court hearing will require testimony from you and your children if they are old enough, which can be emotionally draining on the witnesses. They also tend to bring up the worst moments between parents and their children, putting everyone at risk of emotional harm. A good child custody lawyer may bring up harmful memories of your interactions. Mediation, on the other hand, provides a space for the parents to work together and not need to rehash everything they have fought about in the past.

What Not to Say in Child Custody Mediation

Now that we understand mediation better and why it can help resolve child custody disputes, it is time to turn to tips for effective communication and what to avoid when participating in child custody mediation. These common mistakes may seem easily avoidable, but it can be difficult to steer clear when the other party is unreasonable.

Statements Centering Personal Conflicts

One of the hardest things for parents to avoid in mediation is involving or centering unrelated personal issues instead of focusing on the kids. While it may be easy to slip into equating the way that the other parent mistreated you with how they will parent, it should not be brought up if it does not impact how they will be able to care for the kids. These only send the conversation off the rails and decenter the child’s best interests.

Aggressive Language

Aggressive language designed to escalate conflicts is another thing to avoid in mediation. This could include making unreasonable demands, such as requesting sole custody when you have no reason to do so. It can also include certain phrases designed to dig at the other parent, such as claiming they do not care for their child or will not be there for them. You can communicate these fears if necessary, but the best plan is to do so through non-aggressive language that does not directly challenge one parent.

Absolutes

You will want to avoid absolutes, such as “never” and “always,” because the other parent can often provide an instance that disproves this absolutely and undercuts your credibility. It also attacks the cooperative nature of the custody mediation session and harms the chances of a child custody agreement because it places the other person in a defensive place.

Blaming

During child custody mediation, you will also want to avoid blaming the other parent for personal issues or the child’s behavior. It only looks like you are trying to deflect blame from yourself and encourage the mediator to be on your side.

Possessive Language

You will want to avoid possessive language as much as possible and remember to consider the other parent’s role in their lives. When you refer to the child or children as “my kids” instead of “our children,” you signal to everyone involved that you may be possessive and controlling over the children. This may seem counterintuitive, as you most likely see each child as your own, but you want everyone to understand that you are willing to comply with a child custody agreement.

Emotional Outbursts

While there may be instances in the mediation session that you may want to scream or cry, it is best to avoid emotionally reacting as much as possible. If you allow your emotions to take over, you will likely seem less in control of the situation and less likely to care for your child well. While your former partner may be trying to torment you, it is best to stay calm and continue the child custody mediation focused on your child’s best interests.

Cursing

You should also avoid cursing while in child custody mediation. Even though it is less formal than court proceedings, the mediator and the other parties will still expect everyone to be respectful. This is particularly true when you need to work together to create a parenting plan that works for everyone, and a mediator may choose to shut down the mediation session if they think it is not helpful or the parties are not behaving respectfully.

Tips for a Successful Child Custody Mediation Session

In addition to the phrases and categories to avoid above, it can be helpful to think of ways to prepare yourself for the child custody mediation process and seek to collaborate with your former partner.

Active Listening Techniques

One of the most effective communication strategies you can practice when preparing for custody mediation is to work on active listening. These techniques include paying attention when one parent is speaking and communicating to them that you are doing so by paraphrasing or repeating what was just said. This helps ensure that you are listening and not thinking about what to say next, making it more likely that you will hear what the other person needs and respond adequately.

Stay Composed

It can be very easy to react strongly when participating in child custody mediation, but remaining composed and avoiding the common mistakes listed above is important. You should try to choose your words carefully and seek to keep your emotions in check. You can practice this daily when encountering frustrating issues.

Practice Showing Respect

You can work on being respectful to your partner around your kids daily in how you speak about your ex or act without a mediator or lawyers watching. If you practice this respect, you will be ready to continue it in the child custody mediation and may even encourage them to show respect to you.

Make a Plan for Unreasonable Demands

A former partner may make unreasonable demands during the child custody mediation session. Because this is a likely scenario, it is important to plan how to respond to keep your emotions in check and avoid using harmful language.

Conclusion

Child custody mediation can be a complicated and lengthy process, but it is better when you have a plan to keep your child at the center of your focus. With the tips here and the things to avoid, you should be ready to collaborate and find a custody agreement that works for both parents and any child involved.

Contact ADR Times to learn more about child custody mediation, what not to say during child mediation, conflict resolution, and more!

Emily Holland
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